Uzbek weddings

Of all the aspects of Uzbekistan culture that I have discovered in the two years between the trips, it is the whole love and marriage thing that has been the most informative. Most of these kids are either entering marriage age, or are already there. They are in the process of experiencing one of the tried and true aspects of their culture. How men and women get together. In the two years since I was last there many of my facebook friends have married and now are mothers and mothers-to-be. Others are going through the whole “sovchi” thing where the parents of the boy in question visit the parents of the girl and things get decided or at least proposed. Even when two people find themselves, the tradition of the visitation is very much ingrained in the culture. There seems to be a lot more young people who are making their own decisions than in the past, but certainly parents maintain a very heavy presence in the process, and if either set of parents objects to the match, almost always the match is off. Period. No questions asked….We heard that repeated continually. But we also heard of many cases where the parents made the proposal, but left it up to the brides to be, to see if it was what they wanted….In the several cases which I was aware of they all accepted. Once the match is made, phase two of the process begins, and here is where things are done as close to the tried and true as financially possible. It’s not a cheap process, but it is so much a part of the culture, that people help make it happen for brides. People are very generous to contribute where necessary to give the bride the ceremony/party they all dream of from little girls, and have watched countless times as they grew up, and it was almost exactly the same each time they saw it. I must also say that what follows is the tradition in The Tajik area of Bukhara…I’ve been told that there are differences in the process, depending upon the area, but the core remains the same. First of all, there isn’t a ceremony as such, but rather a long series of events spread out over three days and nights. Technically, they get blood tests and sign the papers one month early, but they are not officially married in their passports. But when that has all been processed, they start the good stuff. On the morning of the first day, guests come along with the groom’s family to present gifts to the bride-to-be at her home. Since they all come at the same time, the procession has a festive air to it. Performers surround and intermingle with the group dancing and frolicking as they make their way to the house. With the men in one room and the women in another, they will pray for the happiness and success of the union. The bride’s family will organize a party for luncheon for men and women at a restaurant, while the bride and her friends remain at her house. They will eat separately since the meal is just for guests. That evening the groom and his family come with the groom to the bride’s house. His friends form a circle around him and act the role of people trying to prevent him from proceeding. His advance is announced by the blowing of long horns, similar to the shofars of Tibet…they blare as the happy procession proceeds along its pate…there is a fire which is built along the path and the groom and his friends must dance around and circle it three times. The groom is all dressed in his very best traditional finery, lots of sparkly beads and ribbons to highlight the festive nature. Upon their arrival, the groom and the other men go to one room and the bride and the other women are in another room. After all the preliminaries, the first night together begins, but it is unlike any first night of a marriage I’ve ever heard about, because a curtain is draped from the ceiling and in a corner of the room, and this curtain, the chimildiq, is folded in one corner so that there is visual contact with the females in the room…Only women will observe the first night, and there is one simple rule, no hanky panky…no kissing, no snuggling, no nada…touching is kept to an absolute minimum.

When the bride enters behind the curtain, she has an aunt place two loaves of round bread over her head, symbolizing preciousness, since bread is the food of life. Two candles are brought, with the bride carrying one lit candle with her as she enter, and the groom will bring the other lit candle. It is a symbol of their love burning. The bride is dressed entirely in traditional clothes with a cloak, or veil, covering everything from head to foot and she wears black soft-leather boots on her feet…the veil can be lifted for the purposes of ceremonial tea and sweets which are brought to the room for the couple…Hard boiled eggs are eaten for fertility, dried apricots and fruits are also placed for the couple… The husband comes to meet his wife again with two breads over his head, carrying the other lit candle. they sit on cushions for the entire night, vigilantly watched by the females in the room….. there will be a bowl of honey in the little cubicle and the husband dips his little finger in the honey and offers it to his wife. After she accepts the honey, she will reciprocate and do the same for him. Licking little fingers dipped in honey doesn’t violate any rules. Tea is offered by the new bride in a very ancient, ceremonial manner. There will also be sweetened water and tea and walnuts for the couple to snack on during the night. A woman reads from a book offering blessings in song form, yor-yor, ,as it is called. She offers prayers and positive words in singing form. The couple will spend several hours just talking and eating the snacks. Later that evening, the guests will leave, and the groom will return to his home. Before he leaves, he will tie up much of the leftover food in a waistband that he wears…he will take that outside where his male friends have been waiting…He will turn his back to them and throw the tied shawl, full of food, to the waiting crowd. Whoever catches it will be the next to marry…apparently, it can be quite a mad scramble for it….this is the Uzbek male’s counterpart to the bride throwing the bouquet over her shoulder in America. The following morning there will be a breakfast for men only at a restaurant while the exhausted, (I would think) couple go off for their wedding photo sessions…The bride changes from the traditional Uzbek/Tajik clothing to the big, puffy, cotton ball wedding dress that girls in the west wear as well….Hair is styled elaborately, and the couple will have their photos taken at ceremonial locals…historical, religious, or cultural sites for greater emphasis.

That night the wedding party takes place, and now is when everything cuts loose, well almost everything. There will be way too much food, a lot of music and dancing and it is a party like only Uzbeks/Tajiks can throw. There will be hundreds upon hundreds of people there…People with even the remotest contact with either family will be invited and there are several large restaurants/ party halls in all towns devoted to just wedding parties….I said that almost everything cuts loose, because at the end of this party, the bride still goes home to her house, and the groom to his…

Finally, on the morning of the third day, the bride’s family will accompany her to her new home, the groom’s family residence…there they will live for several years…depending upon the new mother-in-law, this can be both a blessing and a curse for the new bride…lots of stories about how helpful this is, and how the new wife is treated like a new daughter, but I also heard how the new bride is treated poorly by the mother-in-law, who she can be jealous of a new woman in her house, but still in almost all cases the couple will live with the grooms family. After passports are officially changed to represent the marriage, things are all complete and the new couple begin their life together.

I had hoped that we would be able to experience the above process, but the wedding we were going to see was postponed, so this was the process told to us by a bride to be. Steeped in historical and cultural traditions, it is a central part of Uzbek/Tajik life. Every girl awaits the same ceremony as she grows up and it is often the highlight of their life.